Your probably wondering why I put that heading but all is about to be explained. In the past month I have been having identity issues including who my true friends are. Someone who is supposed to be my friend hasn’t spoken to me properly in 3 or 4 weeks, and I don’t know why. It is doing my head in, and I have nothing to go by in finding out why. I would ask her, but I believe it would be too awkward for me to handle. I want to talk to her about it but I wouldn’t know what to say, or how to go about saying it. I have put this dilemma forward to lots of different people, majoritivly have agreed to one of both of the following
1) they don’t know what to do or
2) That she is jealous of the strengthening friendship I have with someone.
This person always said that if I have a problem about her, or anything that I can come to her, and that she will help me figure it out. But if I go to her and say this, she will either be like What the Fuck Is Wrong with You, or I Hate You. And I don’t think I can deal with either of them.
This has been going on for so long that I have gotten past the fact that she may not care about me anymore. Which is a big thing. And even though im over it, I don’t want to lose that friendship.
2 weeks ago I confronted her about me thinking we were growing apart and I wanted to let go of the friendship then and there. I was over it. But then, I didn’t need to let go. Now I believe I do need to let go, but I can’t and I don’t want to.
My friend has given me the greatest piece of advice I could’ve been given, and I will take it through life forever. She said ‘eople say to me, don’t cry over her, so now im telling you…Don’t Cry over her.’
I feel that I am faced with a mid-teen-life-crisis. It’s like I don’t know who I can turn to, to talk to, or in what direction I should go in next, or even who I am anymore…
I no, some if not most people think that my life is pretty much wonderful, but those knowledgeable enough, know that my life is full of ups and downs and sometimes I fall down from a high, hard. And for some reason I am not dealing with this as well as I could. Im really not coping with the strength of this, but no matter what happens I no I have at least one friend who I can take through life forever.
I am also confused on what to do when school goes back, especially because this friend won’t have spoken to me for an even longer period of time. I don’t know who to sit with. I want to sit with my usual group, but it may be awkward with my ‘friend’ if you can call her that by then… and I would also feel out of place because I wouldn’t be sitting with my friend who gave me advice, so I would feel half empty.
I just thought…what if she says something else, that’s not that she hates me or that im an idiot…what if she says ‘I’m Sorry’. Would I be able to forgive her? After she’s made my life confusing and a living hell for the past few weeks. What will I do? I don’t think ill be able to forgive her. And if I do, will I feel bad for forgiving her soon after I do? I have had a few fights with this person, and they have always been fixed. And I thought fate was trying to tell us that we were supposed to be friends forever, but maybe this is fate, trying to tell me that its time for this friendship to end. I don’t know what fate is trying to tell me, so I don’t know what to do.
This problem, is making me not no what I am actually feeling on the inside. It’s making me think all kinds of absurd things. That I know will never happen. This one thing made me fight with yet another friend. Though it was over quick, because neither of us wanted to lose a friend we had had for over 5 years. But I don’t know what to do in the world anymore. Now this has got me thinking. Why am I on the world? Doesn’t everyone have a purpose? What is my purpose? Do I even have a purpose? What is the happiest moment in my life? I want to be able to live life to the fullest, and I can’t when I have this massive problem on my back. If I was to die tomorrow, get hit by a train whatever, *TOUCH WOOD!!*but I would’ve been able to say I could’ve done more. I haven’t done anything in life. I haven’t really achieved much. I pretty much no I have 3 maybe 4 life long friends, and family. And if I didn’t have these people in my life, I would have gone by now. I wouldn’t be able to cope with life. And I don’t know if I can, anymore.
But no one worry. I’m not stupid enough to end my own life.
On Sunday, I sent this person a myspace message, basically asking them why they stopped talking to me, and saying I don’t care if you don’t want to be my friend, but can you reply and tell me why you stopped. This message got opening on Tuesday, and still hasn’t been replied to on Thursday.
I no she has read it, and her having read it, knowing how I feel, I can’t believe she didn’t reply. It makes me feel like shit, and makes me wonder if this friendship is actually worth all the trouble im going through!
So all I can say is I’ve done my best, tried my hardest, and if I fail with this friendship, I will have lost one great friendship, but also gained another great friendship. So who knows in the long run wether I will be losing someone big, and gaining someone smaller (IM LAUGHING AT THE IRONICNESS OF THAT! HAHAHAHAHA!!!), or losing someone small, and gaining someone big (lol, that sounds better …
So thank you if you bothered to care about me enough to read this. And if you truly truely care about me, you might comment this, at least to say you’ve read it, so I know who actually does care about me enough to read it. And also, please, don’t ask me who these people are, people who know need to know, and people who don’t know, probably don’t need to know. I tried really hard to not name names, so please,
Thanks once more
Signing out…